am asked. Here are some questions/answers from Tri-Ess, a
support group for hetersexual cross-dressers. These helped
answer som of my questions.
There are perhaps several million in the United States, for it is estimated that they comprise 5% of
the adult male population. Most of them are ordinary men who have discovered a feminine aspect
to their personalities, and desire to transcend the narrow stereotypes mandated by conventional
society. Happy in their masculinity, they have simply discovered a feminine gender "gift" and
decided to explore it.
What Crossdressers Are Not
Not everyone who dons the clothing of the opposite sex is a crossdresser. Society tends to
perpetuate stereotypes on the basis of visible behavior patterns. Drag queens are usually gay or
bisexual males who don women's clothes either to mock femininity and society's stereotypes of
gays, or to find sex partners. Female impersonators dress to entertain. Transsexuals believe they
are entrapped in the body of the opposite sex, and seek sexual reassignment surgery.
Crossdressers do not aspire to any of these things, but are simply expressing the crossgendered
side of their personalities.
Understanding the "Woman Within"
There is within each man a set of feminine potentials that are part of his birthright, but that
society says he should suppress. Crossdressers have made contact with these feminine potentials,
this "woman within," and found this contact fulfilling. Integrating these into their whole
personalities, crossdressers are able to smooth off some of the macho rough edges incurred by
their upbringing. The result is relaxation and mellowing of the whole person.
But Why Do They Crossdress?
Much speculation has centered on why some men crossdress. No one knows for sure. While some
cite hormonal or genetic factors, others favor environmental factors. It appears, however, that for
many the clothing serves as a "lens" to facilitate focusing upon and developing the feminine side of
the personality.
Is Crossdressing a Sexual Phenomenon?
Human being are sexual creatures. Especially early on, many crossdressers find the activity
sexually stimulating. As time goes on, however, the sexual factor appears to become less
prominent. Crossdressing is more a matter of personality than sexuality. For many the need to
crossdress becomes a part of the self, just as musicians need to play music, writers need to write,
or ballplayers need to play ball. A life without crossgender expression is to some as tragic as the
life of a musician forced to live without music. Like musical talent, crossgender expression can be
a real gift.
What Types of People Crossdress?
Crossdressers come from all walks of life, races, creeds, and economic backgrounds. The
phenomenon dates back many thousands of years. In some cultures, especially some Native
American tribes, they were highly respected as shamans. Most crossdressers are well-educated
and come from conventional family backgrounds. The vast majority are heterosexual and most are,
or have been, married. Most are happy in their masculinity, and only a small percentage opt to live
as women full time. A few women are crossdressers,but they are much less numerous than their
male counterparts. Perhaps this is due to the relative latitude society grants to women in matters
of dress and self-expression.
Can Crossdressing Be "Cured"?
The chief adjustment problem crossdressers face is societal attitudes. While these have been
changing since crossdressers appeared on the Donahue Show in 1987, acceptance is far from
complete. Because of possible consequences to families, jobs, and friends, many crossdressers live
shrouded in secrecy. Wicked by fear and guilt, some crossdressers deny their feminine side and
dispose of their clothing. Usually they are frustrated by this amputation of a significant part of
their personalities, and eventually return to feminine self-expression. Some seek therapy, but as
many therapists are not knowledgeable about crossgender issues, they sometimes find themselves
educating the therapist rather than getting the help they seek. Nor are psychiatric drugs of
benefit. There is no "cure" for crossdressing, and most crossdressers do not want one!
The Crossdresser and His Wife
How a crossdresser's wife accepts him depends on his own degree of insight, the duration and
solidity of the relationship, and the way in which the wife or partner learns about the
crossdressing. Open and honest communication is the lifeblood of any committed relationship, and
in the case of the crossdresser, communication is particularly vital. Once a wife or partner
realizes her mate isn't leaving her for another man or for a new life as a woman, the two of them
can seek a solution that suits their own unique circumstances.
The wise wife or partner realizes that her mate is the same person she has always known. She
recognizes the risk her man has taken in revealing his innermost feelings, and appreciates the
trust this represents. Many of the traits that attracted her in the first place sensitivity, kindness,
appreciation of beauty, etc. - can now be seen as belonging to that "woman within".
The Crossdresser and His Children
A crossdrcsser's children don't appear at any greater risk of becoming crossdressers themselves.
Indeed, children benefit from exposure to a father who is usually more sensitive, creative and
involved in their lives than the average. The decision to tell the children about one's crossgender
expression is a highly personal one, to be arrived at jointly by the parents, with the needs of the
child paramount.
Crossdressers are usually torn between the desire to "protect" their children on the one hand,
and the negative effects of deceit on the other. Telling the children at a time and under
circumstances controlled by the parents, however, does forestall the children finding out
somehow at a time when they are least prepared to deal with it.
In our experience, timing - when the children are told - is more important than what they're told.
Adolescence, a time of struggle to establish social and sexual identity, is not the right time
(especially if the children are boys). If boys are not told earlier in childhood, it is generally best to
wait until adulthood. On the other hand, children who are told in early childhood accept
crossgender expression as "no big deal". Such children are well prepared to deal with the diversity
of modern society.
Looking for Support
Tri-Ess provides support focused on crossdressers, their spouses, partners and families.
Nationwide, 38 affiliates offer a relaxed atmosphere for crossgender expression. Support
resources include a Big Sister Program, a Pen Pal Program, and a Mail Forwarding Service.
Annual Tri-Ess-sponsored events include the Holiday En Femme, which features fun outings and
educational seminars, and the Spouses' and Partners' International Conference for Education
(S.P.I.C.E.), which focuses on wives' issues, communication skills and relationship-building.
In addition to educational pamphlets on crossdressing, Tri-Ess publishes a quarterly magazine, the
Femme Mirror, with articles on a myriad of crossdressing-related subjects. For spouses and
partners, Tri-Ess provides a quarterly newsletter, the Sweetheart Connection. Most affiliates
maintain Helplines and publish monthly newsletters. Speakers are available on request.
Hours: Tri-Ess National can be reached 24 hours a day.
Many affiliates maintain their own phones.
The Society for the Second Self, Inc.
P.O. Box 194, Tulare, CA 93275
(209) 688-9246 (Pacific Time) or
8880 Bellaire B2 PMB104
Houston, TX 77036
(713) 349-8969 (Central Time)
